I have a feeling that I am not going to be a...

... 'so-great' mom

I have always craved for a child, a girl child to be precise. My friends seemed surprised. For them I will always be the immature bacchi who will either change the channel or turn away even at the sight of a lip lock scene on the telly.

Its not that I am a great kids person. I am not. I don't fawn over 3-9 months olds or pull their cheeks and exclaim 'how chweet'. I don't even hold them and have ended up offending quite a few new moms. You know how they are. Well, I do have a special gift with annoying kids. Like if the kid is 3 year old then I'd be the 2 year old one.

Yet I want a child. I want to adopt one. No, I have no intention to be the next Sush (I mean, who can). I do visit orphanages in my free time. Others call this social service. Its not. I am doing myself a favour by filling my lazy afternoons like this. Orphanages are no discotheques but just as fun. Actually more so.

Now its not as if you adopt one just like that. In India, the legal peaks of adoption have no end to them. But forget the legalities of it, there are other pressing matters. You need to feel some connection. And I have felt it with her. Her name is Ziha. I named her.

I found her near the Blore railway station. I used to work for the B-organization for child welfare during weekends. They have 4 orphanages in Blore, though badly funded. I am not sure, but I think she was 8 or 9 months old. Her face was grubby, she stank, she was bawling; but it was love at first sight.

I couldn't take my eyes off her bluish grey eyes. When cleaned up, fed and put to sleep, I thought she looked like an angel. I became a frequent visitor at the orphanage. Before, I used to go to have fun with the kids there. After Ziha happened I had eyes only for her. She had me completely wrapped around her finger.

I wanted her. I wanted to adopt. But adoption procedures that too for an unmarried Muslim girl like me- do I need to say more? I remember telling Sister, "Juz give her to me. Who is going to know? I found her after all."

Constant nagging and pressure to stop seeing Ziha from my friends (social work trainees) who knew about this didn't help the matters. They kept attacking me with questions like- Even if you manage to adopt how are you going to manage? You don't earn enough to support her. What about when you go off to work. Kids need constant attention. What about your parents? What will happen when you marry? Oh my God! I wished to goodness that they were working somewhere else.

But it really stung when they said it was not love but an unhealthy obsession. I lost it.

Childless parents visit orphanages frequently. Every time when I hear about someone coming to visit from Sister, my heart’d beat wildly. I couldn’t help hoping that Ziha would go unnoticed from evil eyes. Shes mine. I despised myself for this. It wasn’t fair. She can’t wait in the orphanage till I make up my mind, till I tell my mummy and papa… And there was a huge chance that my request for adoption would be denied…

But again Ziha is a beautiful child and the youngest there. Of course she’d be taken. Sister convinced me for that. She doesn’t live at the orphanage now. I don’t know where she is now. I can find out if I want to. But I won’t. Its nearly one year since all these…

I have discovered an important thing about myself. I am not capable of true love. If I had truly loved her, I’d have fought tooth and nail for her. I wouldn’t have let her go. I wouldn’t have let myself be convinced by Sister that shes better off with ‘a mother and a father’. I would have told my parents the truth and done what I should have, no matter what. But I have let her go.

It was and is still like looking into a mirror that shows you your ugly dark side. Isn't it amazing, the length we go to convince ourselves (and of course others) that we are good people? Yet we forget that there is no escape from the evil in our heart, selfishness that bounds tight & cowardice that rule our hearts. Its easy not to fight, and its easier to give up half way... Why 'easy' always win over 'right? Of course we are experts at making excuses that insult conscience. And we let ourselves be convinced and then move on with a heavy heart.

I won’t say I love you Ziha. I have no right to. I hope, if there is a next time I will do what I want and what is right.


Celebrating Myself

Please have a look at this link.
This was the one accidentally sent to me by my well-wisher. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I was livid.
And I discussed this with a few friends of mine. One of them sent me around 20 other profiles with similar demands. She was like why are you so angry, this is sooo common.
I mean, look at the audacity of the guy to post this in a public forum and say so blatantly that girl’s father should be alive. They know they can easily get away with this horrendously sick attitude and all the cash packed in suitcase by the father-in-law.
Most girls’-dads take the cheerful view of- What is wrong in helping your son-in-law? At the end of the day it is all for my own daughter.
In all the cases I know (and I know way too many) love/marriage ends with the end of money-flow.
I am a 26 year old Muslim girl from Kozhikode. Unmarried. So unlike a normal working-in-another-city girl, I don’t look forward to go home these days. Wedding, guys, marriage, proposals and suchlike were occasional topics before. Now these are the only discussions at home. They say they’ve registered me in some matrimonial sites. Trying very hard not to think of me as something put up for sale at the mart, I plugged in my earphones.
I tune out everything around me when asked to look through profiles. I am supposed to comment, pass remarks, choose and like one! And yea, I can only like one. Thank god for small mercies!!
I feel bile rising in my throat. I pretend I gotta pee and rush to bathroom.   
OTHERS Say this
When I AM Like
MOM: How will you manage when you marry?
I’m your typical absent minded prof

FLATMATE: Your hubby will divorce you.
My room is clean but messy
MOM: What if we don’t find someone open to all your craziness
I love skating
FRIEND: Guys like ‘girls’, you know
Bikes are my passion
FRIEND: Men can be dark or fair, but they always want their girls to be fair.
(This is not true. I know many happy fair hubby-dark wife jodi)
I am dark and I don’t have time or interest for facials, sunscreens and sandal powders
You need to break this habit of sitting shut in the room. When you marry…
Privacy and space (no compromise)
FRIEND: Your mommy-in-law’d take you to task.
My chapattis are never round and sometimes burnt at the edges. Hopefully it will get good after more practice.
MOST: You are so arrogant. Its not good for a girl to be so arrogant.
My flaws, my problems, my business
Happy Women’s Day
Bollocks! Its like trying to pacify a dog with a bit of bone after you have devoured a full chicken in front of it.
We don’t need your gnawed bones. We know how to take whats ours

No matter how much I convince in what all languages I know, they will never be convinced. It will always be back to square one! ‘Baby, you need to get married’. I don’t know how to convince people that I am happy single and I do not desire a companion, at least not until I see my soul mate. And this is not because I have friends. It is because I love my independence, my choices and most of all myself, with all my flaws.
This blog post is on its way to Women's Web