Divorces and Happy Families

An empty Sunday… Heavy rains, no power, no books… Too lazy to clean/cook/iron. My friend put on the Karan Johar flick, ‘We are family’. Yea yea I know!! But that was the only DVD in the house.

Soon lost in pillows and blankets, we were happily bashing and ridiculing the movie, especially the role of the clueless hubby, the transformation of beer-drinking beti to an ideal daughter… Predictably stereotypical!

But wait… its not that conventional too now, is it?

I mean this is the only Hindi movie I know which has handled the topic of ‘Divorce’ in a mature way. The divorced couple takes particular care that their affairs do not affect the kids, yet not hiding anything from them. They remain friendly and support each other. The hubby admires his x-wife’s strength of character and admits that shes a damn good mother.

Even extra marital affair is also not depicted as ‘wrong’. In spite of having a so-called perfect woman in his life, the hubby falls for another woman. The movie doesn’t specify any reason for that. My friend suggested that the mom, so wrapped up in her motherhood, might have neglected the hubby unknowingly. Whatever the reason is, its not important.

Why do we probe for justifications when it comes to divorce? Is it necessary that one of the partners has to be a villain? Nobody marries to divorce. They all enter marriage with high hopes of togetherness and all the rest of it (I am not talking about Marriage of Convenience here). Divorce is often a final solution. Why ruin it with numerous advices and sermons on adjustment?

I remember an interview of a famous actress in which she says that shes good friends with her ex-husband and are business partners. My mummy and aunt exchanged raised eye-brows. The meaning is all-too clear. Why did they divorce if they’re still good friends? Again the probe for ‘genuine reasons’? Isn’t anything that stops you from having a peaceful & happy relationship a genuine reason?

More than divorce itself, its immature handling of it like bitching about ex-spouse to kids to turn them against him/her, fabricating reasons to humiliate because court needs big reasons to grant divorce, false cases etc with sufficient inputs from relatives, we need to worry about. Disturbing trend!

I remember a student of mine from Delhi. “My parents are not bad. Just individuals who cannot get along as partners”. She is not one of those emotionally traumatized child hyped by media. She’s a thinking girl who is best friends with her Mom’s boyfriend and is OK if her Dad s to start dating.

Guess society lacks in this kind of maturity, but never falls short of doling out binge sermons to women to be like Goddess Sita.

Is Live-in relationship a sign of liberalism or just an excuse?

A reunion at a friend's place... you know those talks about everything and nothing pushed by alcohol? It turned into a 'live-in-relationship or not' debate.

The concept of live-in rel had fascinated me at one point of time. The idea of defying social norms and being in charge of my life, sexuality and all the rest of it... Wow! Or is it the sheer free-thinking spirit of it? I don't know... I was all for it. But now? The funniest bit was I never even realized that I'd changed my views on it.

My friends looked at me as if I’d grown an extra head. They couldn’t imagine how I turned some sati-savitri all of a sudden! I know around a dozen couples who are/were in live-in. And all of them were abusive; mostly physical. May be those gruesome stories changed my mind. Then someone told me that I shouldn’t generalize live-ins to be bad based on those incidents, like those uncle-aunts saying that love marriages will never sustain.

But don’t we all formulate our views based on what we/our people experience?

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Incident 1: I visited my friend who was sharing a 1 bhk with her bf. She was washing 2 bucketfuls of his clothes, including undergarments. For some reason, the sight of men’s underwear always grosses me out (my problem ). Well, its not that I’m against partners doing things for one another. But she suffers from severe backpain and he knew it. Not to mention emotional abuses and all the rest of it. Basically she was not happy. But it took her a long time to break it off with him.

Incident 2: Another friend decided to move in with her bf and we all met up at Mocha to celebrate. He was amazing, funny and intelligent with a Shahid Kapoor kinda cute face. We all loved him instantly. He made us laugh nonstop. He was ever the gentleman and dropped us back to hostel.

She stopped coming to college, stopped calling us. I didn’t think much of it. Friends do take a backseat when you’re in a new relationship. 4 months later I got a call from hospital. Her mother, who thinks that her daughter is in hostel! When I went there I was shocked. She was black and blue. God, alone knows how I managed to lie to aunty...

Incident 3: In this case it’s the guy. She put a full stop to all his bloke-time after they got together. Calling him every 5 minutes even in the middle of meetings, sometimes to check where he is or see if his line is engaged. I’m already sick of giving him the same advice. Break up! But according to him, when you look at the bigger picture, this nagging counts as nothing. And he needs a bigger reason to break up. Otherwise he’d end up being the villain. Thanks to her, hes now friendless and scared of being lonely. Hes still with her, unhappy but together.

Incident 4: Its not just students whos vulnerable and cling to abusive relationships, but high-flying professionals too. In this case, he made her sever ties with all her friends and even family. He used to beat her for speaking to other guys; check her calls and emails. It took 7 months and plenty of my talktime to convince her to escape.

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And I can go on and on… May be its not the fault of the live-in system. Personally speaking, I don’t think Indians are ready for this. We are still so stuck in our so-called culture, conditioning and all those crap. Even when one moves in, she has this guilt-thing that ‘I’m doing something wrong’ at the back of her mind. If you yourself are not convinced why take this step? Or is it the sex? Yea, live-in gives a perfect platform to have sex. But come on… you don’t need to move in with someone to have sex. You-are-Adult, your life, decision and all that?

Isn’t moving in a bigger step than sex in a relationship? People become so weak emotionally… Isn’t love supposed to make people stronger and push them forward? Or am I stuck in some Utopian timezone?

Here are some million-dollar dialogues from my live-in friends-

“I’m scared to break up N. Anyway I gotta get married no? What if my future husband finds about this? He will divorce me. So better I stay with this guy only even if he beats me”. Some liberalness!

“He always makeup after a fight with gifts and pampering (fight here means beating). Then I feel bad and try to move on”. Nice technique, making the abused feel bad!

“He keeps threatening to send our pics to my dad. I don’t have any escape”. Last time I checked, blackmailing is a crime even in India.

“She cries at the slightest hint of break up. I can’t handle that. I want to find a way so that she won’t be hurt”. When? In next birth?

These are the stories of my friends and college students I counsel. And I have their permission.

Dealing with perverts

This inspired me to make this post. This is a highly spirited topic among us girls which may probably be second only to clothes. I have had many experiences in this regard. the three I'm mentioning stand out because I emerged the top dog. There are other loser scenes of mine too when I used to come back home and cry in my room. No, I never confided to anyone which made things worse for me. 

Incident 1: It happened when I was in +2. I felt something at my behind. I didn't need to look behind to make sure what was happening. Making sure what I contemplated was for real, I beaten up the dude-without-an-e with my record books (that was my deadline for submitting the record works) like crazy. People were looking on. As usual passive bystanders! Unfortunately one of my classmates witnessed the scene and spread the news. I achieved an overnight notoriety.

Incident 2: I was traveling to Calicut from Cochin. Again a similar sensation. I didn't think 'Why me!' Due to my journalism streak or something I guess, I made a hue and demanded that the bus be taken to police station. The middle-aged pervert (ammavan) was arrested. The funniest thing was there were people to vouch for the offender. They practically glared at me for delaying the bus. Obviously literacy isn't everything.

Incident 3: Delhi. I was searching for the Khanna Stadium where I had enrolled for tennis coaching. I saw a guy of around (probably)15  standing by a bike. He gave me the directions not without scanning me from top to bottom. Duh, I care 2 hoots. Then he was like,
"Mein Chod-dun?" (Shall I drop you?)
For some reason I was amused.
"Kyun chod-doge tum mujhe?" (Why would you drop me?), I asked with a mocking smile.
This simple question cum the smile kind of paralyzed him. He just fled.Haha!

Though it is not likely to work again, I kind of like the third tactic. I feel proud.

Routines and Zombies

"Hey Ni, remove that group photo from your orkut album, fare-o-well-o"

"Why, that’s d best picture among the lot"
"I know man. It’s just that he has his arm around me in it. If my people or relatives saw it then I am dead"

Oh God, why are all the relatives in the world so stupid and jobless?
And yet why are they taken seriously?!!!

"Hey, don’t send me A-jokes anymore"
"Why, aren’t you an adult?"
"My ettan (elder brother) was furious with me. Said he would tell Appa next time"
"Stupid, why do you show such things to your bro?"
"Oh, he reads my messages and check call lists at times"
"WHAT!?"
"He’s very caring and protective, you see"

Do I see?
***Speechless***

                     A week passed since I joined my new office. Lunch time.
I was going out for my usual stroll.

Office Security: Madam, you need to get permission to go out.
Me: What?
OS: Just wait till I call and ask.

Next Day.
Sir, may I go out to have my lunch please?
Manager: (laughing) You see it is not done. We have a valet here. You can give your orders to him.
Sir, I would like to spend my break my way. I prefer going out seeing things and choosing my lunch randomly. I like to watch people on the streets and such.

I don’t know how I managed to convince him, but I did. May be he was in no mood for a fight or didn't have the time.
Can you believe that people (men included) haven’t said anything about this till now! May be they are content to sit and chat in the office terrace the whole of lunch hour. I mean even in schools kids are allowed to do what they like during breaks!?

Heights man! Not the rules, but these dummies.